The following was said to be written, from father to son, by one of the few male survivors of the Titanic, whose family absconded to Wisconsin, only to quickly take a Liberal turn, moving to Milwaukee’s East Side, shortly after its writing:

As with all marriages, your’s formally begins with vows before the lord.  Choose them carefully.  If there are any amendments or caveats, be sure to include them here.  No legal prenuptual agreement will be relevant within the Hall of Angels, when they edjudicate faults and honors.  Consider the following sacred and completely insufficient verse:

“I, M, Take thee, T, to be my wedded Husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, ’til death do us part.”

None of this speaks to the Hall of Angels regarding, a) the nature, quantity, and timing of the dowry; b) the nature and timing of meals; c) the nature and timing of sex; d) the quantity and timing of children; e) any required exceptions to acommodate habits, traits, unforseen weakness, nor any and all of your fetishes.

Nor does it include recognition of the lines of action which must be taken as retribution for a) ‘unintentional’-intentional slips (passive aggression); b) deliberate malfeasance; c) mouthing-off; d) over-thinking and undue worry regarding your character or manhood; e) wearing tight clothing without you by her side; f) ‘making eyes’; g) smiling uncouth; h) imbibing outside the sanctity of family or church.

Mind you, 70-80% of the Hall of Angels is feminine and without explicit mention of any and all of these provisions they are bound to ‘go unnoticed’ (be deliberately ignored), for they would be negated by any majority vote and fail any attempted filabuster. It is therefore clear that although the marriage formally begins with nuptuals, the required vetting need be conducted early and the result of any negotiations, written and explicit. 

After soft inquiries over the course of months, with subtle prying for information, remember that you are about to make a sharp turn in your life and the vehicle you are driving needs to be top class.  This is no longer a matter of a test drives and kicking the tires.  No more being seduced with bucket seats and a softly purring engine.  The slightest slip in traction, the slightest instability in handling, the slightest rattle or discord should be inspected thoroughly and directly.  Remember, you are going the distance..

Has the father shown insufficient control?  Has the mother abated in willful behavior?  Are siblings insuficiently protective and carefree?  Does she have practice caring for real pets or just Cats?  Does she have experience with Cattle or just Horses?  If her work soaking brats fails, does she fry a descent cheese curd?  Was she a persistent intagrammer?  Is she still?  Has she ever downloaded Tik-tok?  Has she ever posted to Tik-tok (deal-breaker)?  Does she take her phone with her to the bathroom?  Are her showers too long?  Is her perfume too sensual?  Once you have turned every stone, consider that you still do not know her real history of murder, so any reluctance to submit finger prints, a blood-sample, and a formal background check may be a red flag.

Once you (and your guardian angel) are assured, you may be inclined to soften, buy flowers and chocolates, but this strategy is not recommended, for any perceived weakness will likely to be leveraged by the family in dowry negotiations, and if you remain firm, they will no doubt want all the more to put their weak (and perhaps innocent) daughter in the hands of someone as strong and demanding as yourself! (Even as your heart wilts.. sigh..)

Negotiations.

The largest objective is the Dowry. Traditionally, this may be a stock of sheep and hefers.  These days this is usually found to be too much work – if only to find a buyer. (Though it is not unheard of – among the Irish at least – to embrace the project and create your own farm-hands).  The preference is therefore for cash.  However, there are any number of assets which have an assessible liquidation value, or can used in bartering for a boat and lake accesss (or golf clubs and greens fees, if your preferences are unusually Scottish).

The two biggest traps in failed negotiations are 1) talking only about the wedding and 2) saying to yourself, these are good and fair people.  Yes, let the bride handle the wedding at whatever expense the family can afford, patiently nod at questions regarding the dinner salad and bouquets (though suggest a wedding dress that is strapless with bare-midriff, for reasons which will become clear).  Act interested.  And while you remain aware that none of it really matters to everlasting happiness like the dowry and other contracts credible before the Hall of Angels, realize that when you mess up – and you will mess up – you will always be able to point to this day and say ‘But remember how beautiful and loving the wedding was?’ So if it is done to her satisfaction, and she calls the shots with your loving support – she will always take pause and sigh in the face of your innumerable indiscretions. 

But while this is the time of her life, remember that you are buying the lot, and it is not the time to get too sappy.. In addition to the dowry, you should be asking yourself, what are your ongoing responsibilities for delivery of the wife back to her parents? Is this weekly? Monthly? Semi-Annually? Every Christmas?  Is your personal presense required?  Can you at least take the 68 Charger for a joyride in return? Will the siblings and in-laws be present?  Are there cheese-dip responsibilities?  Will there eventually be care-taking duties? Can these be out-sourced?  Does your knack for fixing cars require you to show up and change the oil?  Do you get quarterly access to the Northwoods Cabin in exchange? 

All needs specification and signatures. It is crucial to your advantage that when it comes time to finalize any and all agreements, that this be done in and around the time after your bride-to-be’s menstration and prior to ovulation.  Any time after ovulation she may feel free and independent and over-self-valued; any time nearing menstration and you may get the wrath of the Hall of Angels for having passed another opportunity for procreation.  It is while the ship is steady, yet in need of a captian, that your chances are best to assure everlasting happiness.

Remember the Hall of Angels won’t care unless this is all submitted as part of the vows, so when you say:

“I, T, take thee, M, to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, to Love and Cherish, to death do us part”

also carry the signed document and add:

‘Subject to the terms and conditions in presented letter’

Hand it to the priest for formal submission to the Hall of Angels.

Consumating the Marriage

The proof is in the pudding, but assuming the bride fully chaste, the wedding night will be one of agony and ecstacy.  It is common to circumscribe the treasure in formality, so here is your map: After making your way through the exterior wardrobe, there are any number of traditional under-garments that stand in your way. Be non-plussed. Remember that you do not need to be too worried about ceremony at this point and having shears placed in your suite prior will handle 99% of challenges, excepting the Iron Maiden. If you face the Iron Maiden it is probably a sign that despite all your efforts, you will actually not be in charge of anything for the rest of your life.

The honeymoon, once achieved, is probably the best 5-10 days you will spend with your wife, ever.  It is no time to dwell on that fact, just let it ride and enjoy.  There is nothing you can do about anything now.  You have really no idea what you have gotten yourself into, so don’t think about it.  It is no time to squabble over dental bills for children.  No time to bemoan regularly missing golf and fishing for bakesales and soccer games.  No time to be sad that the litigious and political amendments made by the Hall of Angels render most of your submission inadmissable before the Lord…  None of that matters if you remind yourself that you are stepping through the gates to eternal bliss, if you are right about her character alone…  Don’t worry, you got it right.  I am pretty sure. 

Pretty, prettyyy, prettyyyyyy.. sure.

Remember, God loves you, and probably her too.

This is witten as an elaborate joke for my friend and half-nefew Ty and his bride Madeline (please don’t hate me).