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My Record Deal

August 14, 2014 / C. S. / 2 Comments

“Just listening to your recording. It appears you are white.”

“Yes… Is that in my recording?”

“I gathered that from some things. Not to mention your skin color.”

“Yes, my skin is white.”

“Yes. Yes it is. Now tell me, how does a white boy know the blues?”

“Like anyone I’ve had life’s comeupin’s.”

“Nobody talks like that anymore… where are you from?”

“Wisconsin, but we have black people too.”

“Oh is that how black people talk?”

“They used to. I read it in Faulkner and Twain. They are always gettin’ their comeupin’s.”

“Ok anyhow. Did you ever work a chain gang? Or flea a coon hunt? Or overcome an addiction? Or get your heart stomped on by a woman? Or do any bluesy thing in your life?”

“That’s not really what the blues are about sir. They are about facing trials and obstacles that don’t relent. They are about that forlorn sentiment that accompanies relinquishing hope to a life of daily bludgeoning by unseen forces.”

“And you know this, this sentiment?

“Well, yes sir. I do a lot of reading on the internet. And putting aside the awful lack of general prosaic literacy, the writing tends to nurture the utmost depravity by means of insinuating my ignorance, and this leads me to indulge in a superficial vice which diverts my general frustration.”

“like?”

“like the sensual delights of the female figure.”

“Like Playboy.”

“Yes, but a little… anyway yes.”

“This ain’t the blues son. You gonna sing about that? This is plain old lack of confidence.”

“What makes you think this?”

“Please.”

“Ok. I find this a terrible judgment of my character from my otherwise homely appearance.”

“You ain’t so ugly son. Just wimpy is all.”

“Yes, I have a bit of a feeble constitution.”

“Wimpy. Just wimpy. You got to sit up straight and try to put some meat on those bones.”

“That’s fair.”

“And how can you sing the blues with those wimpy pipes? Give me a little raspy Satchmo will ya?”

“Technically Mr. Armstrong was a jazz musician. But here it goes…”

“Really terrible.”

“How do you know? You are not African American either. You’re whiter than me.”

“Ugh, now it’s a racial thing…”

“But you…”

“I know the blues son. Plenty of white artists know the blues too. Now I have a jet waiting, but if you want to send in an audition recording my staff in the foothills will look it over.”

“Tell me now sir, what will it take?”

“To make it? The grace of God.”

And with that, my life took a religious turn.

The Courage of Robin Williams

August 11, 2014 / C. S. / 0 Comments

Many people don’t appreciate the courage it takes to be a good comedian. A comedian has to say things just right and also spontaneously. If they fail, they can cause themselves great difficulty.

I have hidden most my life behind the crafted word. The words fully thought through and not stepping over the line because they are so constructed not to pass that line. But in good comedy, comedy from the heart, there is always that precipice.

Robin Williams defied the fear of stepping over the line. It seemed he’d say anything, but only very rarely would he say anything truly inappropriate, and then it was not in malice, but an untimely indiscretion.

I’m very sad to see you leave before I had a chance to meet you Mr. Williams. I have to think that your passing is something we messed up, and I hope we can make amends. Love to you and your family.

The Source of Irony

July 30, 2014 / C. S. / 0 Comments

Is it that deep within us, two modules collide, and what springs forth is something irreducible to either?

Is it that Angels and Demons have it out, and what gets through is either passible innocence or determined indiscretion?

Is it that we know what we want to say and intentionally sew it a cloak?

Is it that a hack is made and we say from suggestion what we never intended?

For the ignorant, there may be only one answer and always.

For the writer with a story to tell it is none of these, but rather a weave that touches many realities and still appears a single thread.

Alan Lightman’s “Einstein’s Dreams”

July 15, 2014 / C. S. / 0 Comments

This is an astounding book.

It is beautiful in its playfulness with such a simple and assumed thing as Time. He was not the first to play with Time – he had his inspiration – but he gives an expression of the capacity of human imagination which leaves the reader themselves with an expanded consciousness.

And ends it with an amazingly evocative and haunting suggestion of how the theorists search concludes – for both those who do and those who don’t succeed.

It is hard to imagine how it could have been better done, except to have given us more of the same. So please write of Space too Alan.

Empty Yet Destructive Escalation

July 13, 2014 / C. S. / 1 Comment

Escalation is always problematic. If tit-for-tat continues indefinitely because no one knows who started it, or no one is willing to admit that a perceived first wrong was in fact a wrong, then eventually greater threats are posed for the sake of getting the other side to stop. More often than not, these don’t go unmatched, and the tit-for-tat can continue at a further higher, and much more damaging, level.

On the other hand, tat-for-tat often occurs when the person doing the initial wrong believes that the other side may justifiably retaliate – or already has retaliated though they are without proof – and sends yet another salvo. They may prepare with escalation and threats or do genuine further harm, in advance of any reaction by the other side at all, in order to keep them from doing anything in response. It can be this sort of self-justifying escalation which is the most destructive, because it is born from naught.

In such cases, it may be only more difficult to see how the initial recipient, now having only more threats piled on, and carrying around with them a reputation for ‘potential retaliation’, can actually achieve a peaceful and equianimous ends. This can lead some to escalate to the greatest extent possible, in order to finally clean the slate. Others are capable of recognizing that the best revenge is living well, but need the other side themselves to complete the retribution.

Among those who believe they can do no wrong, this can be a tough sell, especially those who insist on acting out of suspicion or falsified claims, rather than any genuine evidence. What is needed to stop the paranoia may be unclear, but it does not help to call the other side ‘paranoid’ in advance of them calling you the same.

It is not without reason that there is always a higher authority.

The Quest to be Yourself

July 6, 2014 / C. S. / 1 Comment

Some of you have always been yourself. You live without any adopted affectations which are necessary for others to move fluidly in social situations. There is no need for hours in the mirror. There is no need for pinching pennies. Instead of investing discretely in a social appearance, which may persuade some you mingle in circles, you simply invite dilatants to your home to flirt with dignitaries. Others just don’t care for games of status. They come from family which valued work and friends and family and personal eccentricity and you have been capable of happily playing small games of little consequence and much reward for most of your lives.

Others were happily themselves as children only to have found their genuine selves vanishing with age, while running into conflicts or disappointment which later pushed them to affect manners, behavior, or appearances which were not true to their personalities or lifestyles, striving to be people they deemed successful. They may desire to be elite or even desire to be more grounded. Others were not allowed to be themselves even as children and strive to discover who they are, as much as they may try to flourish as themselves. In such cases it can be very difficult for you to say who you are, or how you get there. I don’t believe it impossible, but certainly it is very difficult.

Personally, I have always sensed that I was a little too old a little too early and a little too quickly. My parents did their best to preserve who I was so that I may live as I was, but the world caught up with me and led to the death of a child by a thousand tiny slights and a few verifiable stabbings. At some point in your life, you realize what is happening, and you fight against it, preserving for our children what you once had or wished you had or wish you had again. It is why people tend to, if not become conservative, then at least respect the conservative position with age.

I have identified the self with something independent of affectations. The validity of this may be debated. But to me it is clear that the more you know, the more affectations you must have, and it is much easier to withstand the onslaught without losing the vitality of life, if you were allowed to be yourself when you were young.

We Need Ethics, Not Just Governance

July 4, 2014 / C. S. / 1 Comment

We still need Ethics, not just governance. The biggest trouble with prosecuting people is often establishing intent. It is for this reason that our governance often builds indicators of intent into their definitions. For instance, the UN tackles the problem of human trafficking under the definition below.

“(a) “Trafficking in persons” shall mean the recruitment, transportation, transfer, harbouring or receipt of persons, by means of the threat or use of force or other forms of coercion, of abduction, of fraud, of deception, of the abuse of power or of a position of vulnerability or of the giving or receiving of payments or benefits to achieve the consent of a person having control over another person, for the purpose of exploitation. Exploitation shall include, at a minimum, the exploitation of the prostitution of others or other forms of sexual exploitation, forced labour or services, slavery or practices similar to slavery, servitude or the removal of organs;”

I find it rather astounding that if you get rid of the slavery bit, you get something which is not Human Trafficking. The counterpart to this definition could read:

(a) “Business as usual” shall mean the recruitment, transportation, transfer, harbouring or receipt of persons, by means of the threat or use of force or other forms of coercion, of abduction, of fraud, of deception, of the abuse of power or of a position of vulnerability or of the giving or receiving of payments or benefits to achieve the consent of a person having control over another person, for the purpose of paying them a wage at or above minimal through employment from among a limited set of options to live an ostensibly normal life.

This is a joke, but the idea is that you can’t do all of the “Trafficking” part of “Trafficking in persons” and believe all is ok as long as they are not also slaves.

This stresses the importance of ethics and religion in addition to governance. The issue with governance is that if one, in the end, is living a life ostensibly normal with a wage at or above minimal, then it can be difficult to say if they were not really complicit in that outcome all along, even if atrocities are committed along the way and the victims at hand perhaps being staked to a reputation they do not deserve. This is part of the theme of the first story of The Sevilla Trinity. That coercion of those financially vulnerable and transfer by deception, though perhaps not easily prosecuted, are still wrong and cause a great deal of problems that only a society’s stable moral foundation can make amends for.

I do not pretend to know the ins and outs of international law, but the problem with the law often is that the letter does not align with the spirit, which is here not merely abolishing of slavery, but abolishing agreements made under coercion and deception. Religions and the institutions of religion often need to step up where governance and the public education systems fail, and this is but one example.

The Difficulty of Hearing What You Want to Hear

June 28, 2014 / C. S. / 0 Comments

To those who struggle with discipline in an artistic field, there is an issue of hearing what you want to hear. When you hear that your work is good, that you should keep it up, that you should concentrate and develop it… There is for you a temptation to throw caution to the wind and leave the rest behind and be that artist you can be, and that alone.

Of course, those who have talent must occasionally get confirmation and often deserve it, but it can also run amok. I don’t speak of the pitfalls of the inflated ego, where one’s hubris outstrips their talents and they believe everything they touch is gold. Rather, I speak of the simple capacity for attending to that which may allow a person to succeed in continuing to produce. The capacity for the discipline to deliberately make commitments and deliberately stick to them – despite the muse.

After writing the posts I have this month, I have realized a great deal of the difficulties I have always faced, but this recognition has yet to change anything for me. I have not made commitments deliberately. I have not deliberately made good on commitments. The indication from others that I must keep writing has only made me succumb to what is easiest and most fulfilling: writing. Under the presumption that someday I shall be “saved” and I will be happy I continued to write.

How can it feel simultaneously that this is a deal with the devil and a matter of following my higher calling?

Truth is, I can’t ignore the muse. I must commit time to both writing and what is practical. It is finding a structure in which both work together that is the most difficult, because the muse refuses to abide by my schedule.

Liars and Commitments

June 25, 2014 / C. S. / 1 Comment

I always try to be honest. I very rarely misstate facts intentionally. I may withhold facts or not say the whole truth, in order to protect. I may speak indirectly to keep some things secret to some people (e.g. kids). I write fiction, which has the presumption of being a story, of some higher truth but not literal. But I don’t lie and I don’t resort to these other methods of communicating facts lightly.

Communicating is a form of commitment. It is a commitment to the person you are communicating with, that these are the facts as you understand them. It is a commitment that the person you are speaking with has a right to hold you to. If you are inconsistent, they have a right to point this out. If you are inconsistent in a way that is beneficial to you, they have a right to be suspicious. And if you are stating the highly unlikely, or what is highly unlikely given the audience to which you are speaking, they have a right to question. The system of communication breaks down when people are dishonest, and we have a commitment to the system of communication in so far as we want to take part in it.

Lies are adversarial, not just to the people to whom you are speaking, but the system of communication itself. Liars are adversarial to community. I have spoken of breaking commitments, however, and the trouble of making commitments deliberately and following through with them deliberately, rather than making them flippantly and later rationalizing away. These are also antithetical to community. They are not adversarial for the reason that they are not done with necessary intention – though under the recognition of what you are doing as ‘flippant’ or what you will likely do as ‘rationalize them away’, they may be.

Lying is also viral. If someone knows people are lying, particularly about other people, then they are less committed to the principle of truth telling about others themselves. It can be quite painful to be thoroughly committed to truth telling when you know others are not, and this can sometimes lead at least to exaggeration and at worst preemptive lying.

To be level headed, to not overcompensate or undercompensate for the emotions which you know may well be affecting your judgment, is a sometimes quite difficult proposition. It is better – I believe – not to compensate at all, but find the peace of mind to state facts and analyze these statements for errors in omission or minimization or exaggeration at a later time, making any necessary clarifications.

Truth-telling is a form of commitment I am good at and do not compromise lightly. Truth-telling is also the ethical characteristic which best holds a person together, as well as a community.

Ego

June 24, 2014 / C. S. / 0 Comments

I have a large ego that I protect vehemently. In reality, it is barely a bigger ego than I had when I was 7. It does not grow and does not shrink. It does take a beating, however, and need too much time to heal. For this reason I protect it and do not properly develop and share.

I am jealous with my time. I am jealous with my energy. I am jealous with my image. I am jealous with my knowledge.

It is not such a vulgar ego. It is a quiet ego. It is a confidence. For reasons of preconceptions and my own isolation, it may be mistaken for arrogance, but it is not haughty, even if I am oft too cranky and quick to criticize.

It is a possessive ego. It is not so with others, but it is with itself. It does not “waste” itself on others and it does not open itself to the criticism from the too-quick-to-judge-unknown, though it demands little of anyone else.

The age after youth should be time for sharing. Your experience rich and talents still in their prime. I envy those who just live who they are in every moment, without selective display.

I may understand from where this comes, but it does not stop the fear. I press on to encounter the unknown.

A Theory of Me