Ego

I have a large ego that I protect vehemently.  In reality, it is barely a bigger ego than I had when I was 7.  It does not grow and does not shrink.  It does take a beating, however, and need too much time to heal.  For this reason I protect it and do not properly develop and share. 

I am jealous with my time.  I am jealous with my energy.  I am jealous with my image.  I am jealous with my knowledge.

It is not such a vulgar ego.  It is a quiet ego.  It is a confidence.  For reasons of preconceptions and my own isolation, it may be mistaken for arrogance, but it is not haughty, even if I am oft too cranky and quick to criticize.

It is a possessive ego.  It is not so with others, but it is with itself.  It does not “waste” itself on others and it does not open itself to the criticism from the too-quick-to-judge-unknown, though it demands little of anyone else.

The age after youth should be time for sharing.  Your experience rich and talents still in their prime.  I envy those who just live who they are in every moment, without selective display.

I may understand from where this comes, but it does not stop the fear.  I press on to encounter the unknown.

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